Originally published at a hundred ways to kill yourself without actually dying. You can comment here or there.
LESTER: Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to LesterCorp?
CRAIG: Well, sir, I’m an excellent filer.
LESTER (crafty): You think so, eh? Which comes first, L or… Glooph?
CRAIG: Glooph is not a letter, sir.
LESTER: Damn, you are good. I tried to trick you. Okay, put these in order.
Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches, eyes wide.
LESTER (flips intercom switch): Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
FLORIS (O.S.): Gehginnis ondah foam?
LESTER: Forget it.
FLORIS (CONT’D): Fork ah did?
LESTER (flips off switch): Fine woman, Floris. I don’t know how she puts up with this damn speech impediment of mine.
CRAIG: You don’t have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.
LESTER: Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. But I’m afraid I have to trust Floris on this one. You see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. Perhaps you’ve read her memoirs, “I can’t understand a word any of you are saying.”
LESTER: Pity, it tells it like it is. That’s why the eastern, read Jewish, publishing establishment won’t touch it. That’s a quote from the book jacket. George Will, I think.
(beat) I apologize if you can’t understand a word I’m saying, Dr. Schwartz.
CRAIG: No. I understand perfectly.
LESTER (choking up): Thank you for being kind enough to lie. You see, I’ve been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech. You’re hired. Any questions?
(from Being John Malkovich, written by Charlie Kaufman)