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Speech Impediment (Being John Malkovich by Charlie Kaufman) - a hundred ways to kill yourself without actually dying [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Max Rael

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Speech Impediment (Being John Malkovich by Charlie Kaufman) [Oct. 8th, 2015|02:43 pm]
Max Rael
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Originally published at a hundred ways to kill yourself without actually dying. You can comment here or there.

LESTER: Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you feel you can bring to LesterCorp?
CRAIG: Well, sir, I’m an excellent filer.
LESTER (crafty): You think so, eh? Which comes first, L or… Glooph?
CRAIG: Glooph is not a letter, sir.
LESTER: Damn, you are good. I tried to trick you. Okay, put these in order.

Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches, eyes wide.

LESTER (flips intercom switch): Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
FLORIS (O.S.): Gehginnis ondah foam?
LESTER: Forget it.
FLORIS (CONT’D): Fork ah did?
LESTER (flips off switch): Fine woman, Floris. I don’t know how she puts up with this damn speech impediment of mine.
CRAIG: You don’t have a speech impediment, Dr. Lester.
LESTER: Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy. But I’m afraid I have to trust Floris on this one. You see, she has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. Perhaps you’ve read her memoirs, “I can’t understand a word any of you are saying.”
CRAIG: No.
LESTER: Pity, it tells it like it is. That’s why the eastern, read Jewish, publishing establishment won’t touch it. That’s a quote from the book jacket. George Will, I think.
(beat) I apologize if you can’t understand a word I’m saying, Dr. Schwartz.
CRAIG: No. I understand perfectly.
LESTER (choking up): Thank you for being kind enough to lie. You see, I’ve been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech. You’re hired. Any questions?

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(from Being John Malkovich, written by Charlie Kaufman)

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